Thursday, August 19, 2010

13 Quotes from "Shit My Dad Says"


It started with Twitter... then a book deal... Now it's going to be a sitcom... "Shit My Dad Says." Here are 13 quotes that Justin (the son) posted on Twitter.

These are some of my favorites:

1. "See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."

2. "No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."

3. "No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

4. "Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."

5. "I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."

6. "I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

7. "Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

8. “We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

9. "Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."

10. "I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."

11. "Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."

12. "You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."

13. "Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

Like these? Want to read more?Get Justin's book here... NO, I don't know Justin, I'm just glad he's sharing these quotes!

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Selena Illyria said...

LMAO! Thank you for posting this.

Nina Pierce said...

I just love this guy. I follow him on twitter and go over there when I need a good laugh. I almost died when I saw they're making a sitcom from this. I can't even imagine.

Eve Langlais said...

LOL nasty stuff but funny. I really liked number 4 & 6. Life's lessons in terms of shit.